Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Two words: nipple clamps
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