IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
