Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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