and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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