on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
