Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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