Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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