I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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