I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm bleeding and have questions
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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