The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
