well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
