matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
where are my eyebrows?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
