it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
