Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
