I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
