You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
