He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
