Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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