You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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