I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
