tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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