somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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