The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
