We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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