i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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