I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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