remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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