He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
