Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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