and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
