I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
