I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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