Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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