I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She announced her abortion via fbk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
