so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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