My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
