I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
