Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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