Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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