You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Randomize
