Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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