My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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