as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
