Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
