Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
