my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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