his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
