Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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