i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
