I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
