Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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