Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
