if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
